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Life Lessons from Mass Effect

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Calibrations Comic

I have explored the farthest reaches of the Milky Way galaxy, and I have come to learn a few important facts over the course of my spectacular space adventures.

Life Lessons

  • Without proper training, you will never figure out how to pick up a shotgun and pull the trigger.
  • No one seems to notice you have glowing red demon eyes.
  • Despite the fact that your face has been drastically altered, and you have helmet on covering your face, people recognise you instantly.
  • Regardless of how you actually look, half of your squad mates still have the burning desire to make love with you.
  • Even after making passionate love with someone, that is all you can ever do with them. Attempting to actually talk with said lover will result in them pretending it has never happened, and they are still thinking about it. This can likely be explained by the fact that you are sexually impotent.
  • Interstellar travel requires fuel; Travelling between planets does not.
  • Any time someone gets punched, shot, or stomped in the neck during a conversation, they always limp the same exact way.
  • Nothing in the universe could ever get done with you.
  • Events can occur in a nanosecond; Liara T'Soni is capable of killing someone and removing all traces of the body in the blink of an eye, all whilst you are downstairs.
  • Every problem in the galaxy, whether it's relationship advice or the fate of an entire race, is up to you to solve, regardless of your actual involvement.
  • People often tell their entire life story to random strangers.
  • Despite intergalactic renown for saving the Citadel, you can easily slip into a social gathering in Citadel Space of the galaxy's most influential people and no one will ever recognise you.
  • Half of all the people in existence are mercenaries.
  • Where there is shooting, there are waist-high walls.
  • Your choices carry so much weight that they have the power to change a star's colour.
  • Everyone in the universe, even your close friends and lovers, remains on a last-name basis with you.
  • No one seems to realise that every store in the Citadel is your favourite store.
  • No matter where in the universe you were born, you will always have a Canadian accent.
  • Everyone in the universe conveniently speaks English.
  • Adults often engage in coitus fully clothed.
  • Calibrations are more important than friendship.

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