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ALTERNATE CHARACTER INTERPRETATION TIME

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for shits and giggles. why not, we're in a slow patch nowadays.

Dr. Chloe Michel - incompetent ship doc. always a variant of "no health issues to report" whenever you talk to her, meaning she barely does her job right or everyone is always in miraculously good condition after getting shot at, stabbed, or worse at the field. medi-gel orders of magnitude more useful than her. one can technically slog through a whole ME3 game WITHOUT any doctors and the difference is barely noticeable.

Dr. Chakwas - incompetent drunkard ship doc. same deal with dr. michel, except we have onscreen evidence she is slacking on the job.

Kenneth Donnelly - closeted homosexual/asexual. always commenting on women's figures suspiciously close to covering "something" up. ignores decent-looking female sidekick and practically forced to hook up later.

Admiral Steven Hackett - lazy bastard armchair admiral. anderson gets points for actually being shown leading the earth resistance, all hackett does is walk/stand around making speeches. age is no excuse, illusive jack of comparable age and looks like jon briddell instead of a grandpa.

Kolyat - problem child. disturbs thane while he's reading the next job, guilt-trips his daddy during irikah's funeral, freelances as an assassin despite his father's specific wish not to.

Wrex - tactical coward. uses crush betrayal as excuse to slay dad at the hollows. backstabs a bunch of goons while hunting fist, kills defenseless fist when assured of victory. uses virmire genophage cure as excuse to take out shep. keeps krogan clans in line to justify staying out of shep's hair in ME2. uses atlas as excuse not to immediately land on sur'kesh. takes opportunity to help shep kill his/her clone because frankly he has better odds. backs down from grunt's drinking challenge and incessantly stalls when forced to participate.

James Vega - closeted homosexual. fondness for pumping, check. closeness with blatant fruit, check. conscious projection of manliness and masculinity, check. something is being concealed here.

Diana Allers - caring loaded philantrophist. donates a bunch to charity, even more so if she dies. has enough moolah to sponsor an unrestrained irish wake for shep even with galactic economy down the toilet.

Khalisah al-Jilani - surprisingly competent techie. despite being manhandled by most races manages to evade cerberus lockdown during citadel coup and loop a public warning message.

Richard L. Jenkins - tough guy short of geth weapons. bounced easily enough from kaidan's biotics with only awesome to say about it. relatively took a lot of hits from the geth drone before going down. made of iron, indeed.

Aeian T'Goni - faking it. doesn't really have PTSD but spooked enough by the reapers to fabricate fear of humans to excuse herself from going back. "suicide" a clever ploy to slip out of scrutiny. one of the asari on purgatory getting shitfaced and making out with everyone on sight? that's her.

Jacob - sex god, possibly podrick payne (TV) levels. like father like son, and scores with at least 2 chicks in-story. obligatory mention of "HEAVY RISK..." means he does put serious thought into his conquests.

Grunt - boy genius. killing is a science and this krogan performs it as an art. can see through gatecrashers' cunning disguises and temptations while serving as bouncer for the party. basically a baby by human and krogan standards. who can talk smack and smash stuff. AND KNOWS HEMMINGWAY.

Legion - for president. expert politician. seldom lies and adept in concealing truth.

Harbinger - stalker with a crush. spent ME2 on shep's ass. fries everyone but shep during conduit run.

Glyph - the real brains behind the shadow broker operation, ala SWTOR II's G0-T0. yahgbroker and liara effectively puppets. considers reapers as "competition", masks itself as a VI to avoid undue suspicion, doles out reports in measured doses to give puppets illusion of control and decisionmaking.

Samara - killer psychopath. trigger-happy for any excuse of someone breaking the Code.

Saren - grief-stricken turian who never got over his brother's death. dead desolas catalyst for antihuman prejudice. which led to sovereign.

Harrot - in cahoots with cerberus, "defected." conveniently "found" by aria's forces, chooses to sell shep items instead of giving them free (for the war effort and all). depriving an enemy of resources (credits) goes a long way in reducing their effectiveness. tasks shep with finding aria's couch in an area crawling with cerberus. sounds like collector "general" on fehl prime. sells shitty atlases to people that could've been used in the upcoming battle against the reapers. ergo, playing organics all along and indoctrinated o{{{{|}}}}o.

Donnel Udina - humanity's greatest hero beside shepard and misunderstood chessmaster. shouldered the gargantuan task of alliance logistics for the war offscreen, let cerberus into the citadel as part of a plan to unite the other bickering races, sacrificed himself as a necessary villain for the greater good knowing that the systems he set up can do without him.

Donovan Hock - Donnelly's long lost daddy. or older brother. if el mariachi and bucho turned out to be brothers, why not these guys.

EDI - gay half-reaper. or transsexual one. hannibal + reaper tech + female gender designation during coding. oops.

Admiral Han'Gerrel vas Neema - well-connected. tactics basically amount to "attack-attack-attack". incompetence and rank discrepancy only answerable with friendships in the right places.

Samantha Traynor - BDSM freak. numerous dom fantasies with EDI('s voice), persistent stuttering during conversations (conditioned response to avoiding the whip during roleplay sessions, perhaps). fascination with k. sanders' "items" and a vibrating toothbrush.

Joker - expert in simulations, lousy in practical basement spaceship-dweller. unsociable at school. adept in haptic interfaces (both normandies' control systems), would suck at groundcar driving or actual fighter plane piloting (if said vehicle has very manual controls and doesn't get handwaved with magic inertia-damping ME fields). also preferred synthetic AIs and ships over meatbag organics. if over 30, qualifies as a WIZARD.

Kelly Chambers - "[P]assion is nice wherever you find it. Character matters, not race or gender." "Trying to determine how scale-itch got onto Normandy. Sexually-transmitted disease. Only carried by varren. Implications unpleasant."

Blasto - ACTUAL hanar spectre. posing as a movie star posing as a fictional hanar spectre. stints in the movie industry actually undercover ops to undermine criminal elements in it. mission during reaper war is to raise morale and is succeeding admirably. tactfully avoids confrontation with pissed-off javik to avoid breaking cover. can wield carnifexes with ease.

Tali - covert bisexual. broker dossier present on both male and female sheps. cut voice content on femshep-talimance. suspiciously lowered inhibitions when interacting with female crewmates while drunk.

Garrus - compensating for something. always chooses to wield big guns and long sniper rifles. doesn't really have "reach" unless the "flexible" turian speaks up, and "small" by turian standards may mean "adequate" for human ones.

Matriarch Aethyta - not really liara's dad. known agent of the asari government, assigned to liara ever since she became an info dealer, spins cock-and-bull story about being intimate with benezia (carefully-crafted enough to fool shadow broker scrutiny) to avoid breaking cover. just as planned.

Jack - secret fashion model. "vandalism" of hanar moon actually an exercise in performance art. sent to purgatory to attempt spreading some fashion sense into prison culture, sent to the collector base to awaken collectors' latent aesthetics, gets a new makeover 6 months later during stint at grissom.

Councilor Sparatus - henpecked husband. had a mistress to compensate (random shadowbroker chatter in hagalaz), mistress proves to have expensive tastes, takes his troubles out on the rest of the galaxy with air quotes and dismissing claims.

Feron - liara's "friend with benefits". shep can cheat, why not. shep died and a woman in grief is prime target, another why not.

Javik - prothean criminal/penal colony warden. everything from him basically dog-eat-dog mentality or trolling. last known sighting during prothean times as commander of a prison-type complex. blatant disregard for segregated restrooms.

Mysterious Figure - hero of the next mass effect. or the one after that. or the next one, w/e. HOW? bioware DID say "no more commander shepard" - technically this is just the clone, not shepard the one and only. clone develops dissociation issues and makes new identity for itself, whatever. the usual tropes apply.

characterization A: shep original managed to screw up the suicide mission and ended up killing everyone except joker. cloneshep woken up by maya, reapers invade, attempts to save the galaxy with crappier starting conditions than original because a bunch of important characters are dead and new shep has basically zero interaction values with surviving recurring characters. in effort to differentiate cloneshep from realshep old classes discarded in favor of unknown game mechanics. rest of the game essentially a retread of ME3 and since this is all just speculation feel free to bulldoze over whatever canon aspects of original ME3 in favor of your own fanboyisms. *ehem* indoctrination theory *ehem* now there's some use for the worst-case ME2 saves.

characterization B: there is more than one clone. arm each of them with katanas and make them behead each other. flash-educated, kept unaware of heritage, given player-assigned skills (but not shep original's charisma), stuck somewhere in the galaxy to make his/her way during/after the reaper war. again, insert identity plot here (and maybe another clone and another until it's been done to death).

Shepard - mary sue/marty stu wish fulfillment vehicle. oh wait, unlike previous examples this IS true.

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