(I found this in some of my old files, and just thought I'd put it up here for fun.)
By Chase Darkman
Associated Sith
KORRIBAN– Emperor Oplica, in order to best serve the Empire, announced that he would be giving all control to the Sith Council. “I think we’ve done the dictator thing a hundred times, and we fail every time,” said Oplica at a press conference yesterday, “Now it’s time to try something new.” The announcement came as a shock to many analysts. “This is a bold, and daring move for Oplica.” says Darth Johanson, a writer for the Dark Valley Times. Many say that this new chain of command goes against the core beliefs of the Sith Lords.
The new system will divide the Emperor’s power among the thirty council members, who will meet together in order to make decisions.
“We’ve also done away with the violent assassination hierarchy.” added Oplica. “From now on, Sith will ascend in rank when they are viewed to be worthy, by their master, or by the council.” This news has been met with mixed reactions. The Community of Over-Weight Sith Lords, And Underappreciated Galactic Hate-filled Tyrants for the End of the Republic, (COW SLAUGHTER) have praised the move, saying that the more time taken by the Council will allow them to be a part of the process, rather than hearing news about it weeks later. On the other side, the Imperial Fit-Club has panned the new idea, saying “Now we gotta let the fat people participate?”
The rivalry between these two groups aside, many others have said the plan “makes us more like the Republic, and the Jedi.” In response, Oplica used Sith Lightning on those who claimed as such. “We are nothing like the Republic, or the Jedi!” he said, in a rage. Oplica, who will continue to serve as the Chancellor of the new Sith Empire, initially gave the names of only seventy-seven Sith Lords who would serve in the new Sith senate, but more will be announced as the democratic election process is completed. Aside from the new changes, there have also been changes in other areas, such as the elimination of emotion, the adoption of so-called ‘less-threatening’ lightsaber colors, (e.g. blue, green, or violet), and the fair treatment of all planets.
When another foolish reporter pointed out the similarities with the Republic, Oplica, rather than using sith lightning, asked the reporter to contact his local representative, and go through the proper, democratic channels. In other words, if you have a complaint, it should be dealt with through the long, arduous, procedure processes of the Senate.
Many analysts felt that Oplica’s change, from the beginning of the conference until this point, was merely a symbolic illustration of the rapid changes being made. When asked if this was true, Oplica, was quoted as saying, “The force works in mysterious ways. Life is filled with symbols, and changes. Love thy neighbor. Peace!”
When asked what he thought of the reform, an anonymous green tourist had this to say: “Great, are the changes being made. Hopeful, am I, that the dark side will, itself, defeat.”
How these reforms will impact the Sith Order remains to be seen. Only time will tell.